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CHAPTER 1

“IT'S ALRIGHT, MAN, IT'S ALRIGHT

In the beginning, there was nothing.  A little later on, there was something.  What exactly happened in the interim was the cause of many a kerfuffle and a great deal more trouble than, in retrospect, it was probably worth.

Much, much later than all that, a tiny little planet formed somehow, through an incredibly strange set of coincidences.  A comparatively wee while later than that, a supposedly prophesized would-be Jewish king got mixed up in a rather odd series of events, the outcome of which was that he was widely supposed to be “god’s” messenger.

Oops.

There were two cardinal mistakes made at this point;  for one, it was not known, as science has since proved, that “god” was in fact a huge, blind frog having a seizure to the far north of the universe.  For one plus one, they’d got the date wrong.  For a Brucy Bonus, the actual Mes-si-ah would be far less pro-active.

“God’s” messenger was not a wise, nor particularly holy man.  “God’s” messenger was the Ashman.

 “I thought about killing myself last night”

                                          So sayeth the Ashman

The Ashman was born in the year 0 P.A.* to the Ashdaddy and the Ashmum.  He was a bright child, prone to capturing small rodents so that he may consume their brains.  This allowed him (in his own words) to “taste their knowledge.”

At the age of five, his divinity exposed itself for the first time.  Whilst playing “dunk the leper” with a pack of mangy dogs, a bounty hunter came to destroy the Ashman.  This bounty hunter was Boba Fett, a being of wicked mind, cold heart and questionable personal hygiene.

With his life in peril, the Ashman amazingly took on the rough form of an adorable human-mosquito hybrid.  The sight of such a hideous thing so obviously enjoying itself strangely touched the hither-to mean fiend, who vowed to walk the Earth and spread the good word, much like Jules in Pulp Fiction.

* Both pre-Ashman and post-Ashman are shortened to P.A.  When it was pointed out that this caused much confusion among his students, the Ashman is said to have meditated upon it for several days before proclaiming:  “Oh.”