ERIS TAKES FFUNGO’S LUGGAGE

“So, I'm waiting there in LAX. They snagged my one bag when I boarded in Houston ("I'm sorry, sir, but the overhead bins are full - I can check that bag for you."), so I'm standing there watching bag after bag slide down the ramp and ride sluggishly around the carousel.

I'm hanging there for quite a while. I recognize some other people from my flight as they grab their stuff and head for the parking lot. Still no sign of my bag, though.

Ten full minutes go by, and the crowd is starting to seriously thin out. I start thinking how screwed I will be if that bag is lost. Since they gate checked it, I didn't have a chance to dig out my car keys, my parking garage ticket, any of that stuff. I'd have to call Lisa and ask her to drive 90 minutes to come get me, then drive home, then do it all over again to pick up my car when they tracked the bag down. It would really suck.

At that point, I looked down at my feet. There was one bag lying face down on the floor that didn't seem to be a part of the luggage piles of the people around me. I looked closely - no, they were all clearly ignoring it. I turned it over, picked it up, and checked the tags. Sure enough, it was mine.

I had been watching the ramp the entire time, and I know I didn't see it come sliding down. Somehow I must have failed to see it slide down, someone standing nearby picked it up by mistake, and, instead of putting it back on the carousel, they set it down right smack in front of me.

I think that Eris felt sorry for me because I was really hung over, but that's another (even more boring) story.”

ERIS BUY’S FFUNGO’S POPCORN

“So, we're out doing stuff and we finally get to go see Slingblade. As we're standing in line, I look through my wallet and see that I'm only going to have a couple of bucks left over after I buy the tickets. "Damn!" I say. "I won't be able to get popcorn."

"You just ate - you shouldn't need popcorn" says Lisa.

That's not really the point, though. One of the reasons seeing a movie in a theatre is better than seeing it at your house is that you get to have overpriced popcorn.

Anyway, a few moments later I look down and see a dollar bill. I quickly pick it up, doing the good-neighborly act of glancing around to see if I can find anyone who looks as if they are in the process of fumbling with some money & may have just dropped it. I find no one, so SCORE! I get my popcorn!

I tell Lisa "Hey look! Eris bought me popcorn!" She says "Eris doesn't exist." I say "Oh yeah? Well, all I know is that I'm getting me some corn."

Later, while Lisa is in the restroom, I'm buying my popcorn. There, I find another dollar on the floor. A few feet away, I find two more. Eris completely paid for the popcorn and heavily subsidized my Dr Pepper as well.

Slingblade was pretty good, but not as good as I was expecting.”

ERIS SPEAKS IN A DREAM

”One night, after a day of fever and stomach flu (hey, just the facts - no romanticized accounts here), I had a curious dream. All I can remember is that I was in a huge, dimly-lit auditorium, and the B-52s were performing.

The next day, I was thumbing through the latest issue of Details, when I saw a little blurb that had Fred Schneider (frontman of the B-52s) responding to a series of inkblots. Hmm......

That afternoon, I saw a promo for that evening's episode of Politically Incorrect, which was featuring such distinguished guests as......Fred Schneider! Now I was sure. This was no ordinary coincidence - this had to be a direct communication from the Goddess Herself. (Sure, she could have just spoken to me in an ethereal voice and Fred could have gone about his business, but She works in mysterious ways.)

I eagerly awaited the episode. I weighed each of Fred's words carefully, wondering what The Message was going to be. He didn't get a chance to say much - the other guests were Jay Leno, some guy from Nightline, and an actress from The Cable Guy, all very outspoken. Fred mostly just sat there, looking groovy in his coloured specs, tin-tin hair flip, and soul patch. I was beginning to lose faith! But, at the end of the show, Fred spake and said:

"I'd vote for Bob Dole if he wore hot pants and a tube top. That would show that he's trying””